Session last night with Pastor T: first off, his knee was hurting. He had a knee replacement back in November and he had physical therapy that day and then he had worked out at the gym, so he thought he had overdone it. He had to stand up several times during our time together and he was sort of massaging his knee so I know it was getting in the way of our concentration. We started out with going over what he had asked me to do last week. So I started with the memory verse (which was actually a block of 5 verses) and I was able to recite them. Although I had a question about one of them--a theological question--because it didn't really make sense to me, so he answered that.
Then he had asked me to come up with a list of emotions. This is what I had come up with: calm, anxious, depressed, lonely, self-destructive, tired, suicidal, sick, nothing. He asked if nothing was like numb and I said no it's the absence of emotions. I told him that I had been having so many intense emotions that I was drained of emotions. He said that he didn't think self-destructive was an emotion. But I disagreed, I said I can say I feel self-destructive. He said he thinks it's anxiety. IDK. If it is anxiety, it's the worst kind of anxiety that I have ever felt that is for sure!
The third thing was to tell him trigger for Christianity
so I did that, and he said it was an interesting list.
When I told him about my week and all the struggles I had been having with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, wanting to SH, wanting to Sui, and then physical health stuff too, he was like, do you want to stop for tonight? I was sort of taken aback because we had just gotten there. I think he is afraid of pushing me over the edge, but I had committed to going so I felt like I needed to at least get 45 minutes out of it or something.
So I was telling him about stuff I had tried to help me through that dark space. I had texted friends, called friends, visited friends, took a day off of work, trigger for Christianity
but I had also done stuff like put a blanket over my head to handle all the sensory stuff and just try to get through it. I told him that my Mom had asked me if I needed to go to the hospital on Saturday night but how I had declined. He said I need to get out of my head more, to rely on other people more, to talk to them, not just text them and stuff. But really, what am I supposed to say? Call someone up and be like, I feel like cutting? I mean, that just doesn't seem like something one does. Or at least, it's not in my nature. Maybe because I was always taught not to make my needs known, IDK.
I don't really think he got the self-destructive part of my experience this week.
I as in a very bad spot emotionally. Trigger for Christianity
He was like, go for a walk, get some sunshine, go see a friend, watch something funny on TV. Etc. Etc. Basically distraction type stuff. That can work when it's not so intense, but when it is intense that stuff doesn't do it for me. I guess I was looking for something more profound.
He ended up telling me some strengths I have about myself that he hopes I can see someday.
I feel sad today. And I feel self-destructive. And I feel like I have lost some hope. It's a difficult day today.
Comments okay.
Hugs to anyone who wants one, Kit