I'm calmer, not randomly crying out of fear. I don't know if I'm just getting use to it or not. I still feel I'm going to incriminate myself and get arrested unknowingly. It's more of a "there's no use worrying about it because it's going to happen" feeling. I just have to enjoy the time with my family that I have and try not to think about it.(actually I'm getting teary right now thinking about it.) It's made it hard to do things (I sleep fully dressed, rarely shower....) because I want to be able to run if anything bad happens, because something badis going to happen (anxiety?). I'm not going to run from the police, but whatever else bad thing that's going to happen. So IDK, I'm okay with this level of paranoia. I just can't talk outside of superficially unless it's in person. I really just miss you guys but I'm doing what's best for my family. I do read here but you guys are my friends and it hurts just to watch.

On the bright side I'm spending my time learning to draw better (aka. picking up hobbies I can do in jail) and doing a lot of offline stuff (so it can't be tracked). I've come to accept this as my new stable. It's not healthy, it's hurting my relationship with my husband but I'm too embarrassed to get help because I know it's ridiculous. It'll eventually pass I hope but it's been around since at least October so IDK. I just don't understand how I can be so ****ed and no one see it.

T didn't react well when I said it's more paranoia then anxiety she said "doesn't your medication help?" I was like "Yeah, imagine without the meds." She has no idea what it's about just that I think I'm more paranoid then anxious. I did also tell her I've gone through about 10 therapists in the last 5ish years. Sorry I wrote so much.