I want to thank everyone for your messages. They really were helpful.

My son and I have always had a very wonderful relationship. I've always marvelled that my two teenagers still LIKE me. *smile* They still hug me and tell me EVERYTHING and like to be cuddled in return. I don't know what I did to make them so loving towards me, but I am blessed to have these two fantastic kids!

It took about two hours of sitting with my son...talking, rubbing his back, holding his hand, brushing his hair...telling him that I was on his side and would support whatever he told me.....and finally, little by little, he told me what he was going through. By the end of the afternoon, he was no longer acting aggravated and he was smiling instead of crying.

As for myself, I have not been suicidal for a few months now. Meds have worked wonders for me. But now I have gotten a large dose of what it would feel like to lose a loved one to suicide.....and even though I know he would go to Heaven.....it still makes me feel responsible for his death if for no other reason than I passed on my defective genes to him.

Ben is absolutely against drugs.....good and bad.....doesn't even like to take a Tylenol. And I support his decision....because I know of the nightmare of trying to find the right meds for a person. I hope he never has to go through that!

His talk therapy seems to be the girl he chats with online. As long as his grades remain good, I said that he could stay on until 9pm each night. I am sooooo happy he has someone to open up to and be accepted by.

I can't help feeling a ball of fear in my tummy. 16-years old is a dangerous time. Suicide can be impulsive, and things change so quickly when you're a teenager. I didn't become suicidal until I was 39-years old!! I can't imagine still being a kid....with the hormones and social environments wrecking havoc with you....and also feeling hopeless.

We will be moving this summer, and I told him that this would be a chance to re-invent himself. We'll be in a new area...nobody will knows us....and he can become a new person, if he chooses. I asked if that maybe gave him some hope? How often do we get to re-invent ourselves? I pray God directs us to a new environment where Ben will be able to flourish.

Thanks again for all the messages! I'm scared....but I have to believe that Ben will grow stronger. Thank you for your prayers.

Hugs,
Sandy