The Critic was present in session today from the word go. R came in and sat down, and said she wanted to ask me how I was, before deciding that wasn’t appropriate.
‘I know you were frustrated last week, so do you want to set out where you want to go?’ I said there were many directions the conversation could go in. In order to take control, I need a blueprint.
‘Shall we just see where it goes?’
‘Yes, I think that would be best.’ I then explained that I had done a collage in the aftermath of last session, and passed it to her.

‘What jumps out at me here is ‘The greatest danger’…the (D) and then the anger. And comfort in the corner.’
She went on to say that the rest felt ‘familiar’. ‘At this time of year,’ I said, ‘I have to fight really hard to get even a small amount of comfort. This time of year and April are really hard.’

‘We’ve said before that you are treading water.’ R asked how I was feeling in that particular moment.
‘I feel like I might cry, but I don’t want to.’

‘Some might say “I need to cry”, or “I want to cry.” You have just said the opposite. You’re trying to hold it in?’

‘Yes.’ Then we moved into talking about the meeting, and my limited contribution regarding the Disability Discrimination Act. I explained that I couldn’t talk much because…

‘No.’

‘I like that you know how that sentence ends. When I emailed and referred to November 2018, The Critic jumped in and said you wouldn’t know what I meant.’

‘I can…was that the time you answered the door and were very upset. Some things stay with me.’

Work was the main topic of conversation today, and I made R laugh a couple of times with reference to the incredible journey to the loo, and hiding behind a cabinet to do breathing exercises.

‘Are you sabotaging your own session today by making me laugh?’

‘…It’s a strategy.’

R recognises that with our grace period being extended, this means more time for me to worry about the move. She asked whether there was anyone at work that I might be able to talk to. I mentioned my boss and then said that she knows I am grateful in so many respects, but does not know why.
R reminded me that I have earned my position. ‘It wasn’t just handed to you.’ She said she sometimes experiences the same thing. We talked about the challenge of containing anxiety. When there are physical symptoms, there are medications you can take.

I said that in speaking to my boss there were some key concerns I had. ‘They pretty much sum up why this week has been hard. I don’t want pity, I don’t want sympathy, I just need reassurance that everything will be OK.’

We talked about how my sense of safety has been impacted by the wider situation.
‘Even when you are externally perfectly safe, or with people who can keep you safe, you don’t feel it.’
‘Because I believe that my mind should be a safe place, and mine is not.’
R said that she didn’t want me to move towards self blame, but: ‘At that time, your boundaries weren’t the strongest. They took advantage of you, they took…[the piss, I think] and it seems to me that this has impacted on your sense of self.’
She went on to say that she can pretty much trust her gut feeling about something. She may phone a friend, and that might influence her, but she will still follow her gut instinct.

‘I don’t have that.’
‘Being emotionally abused had that impact on you.’

We moved into another area of discussion, and then I eventually said: ‘That term you used, earlier…’

‘I can’t remember what term?’

‘Emotionally abused.’

‘Was it too hard-hitting?’

‘No. That’s the term I want to use for the wider situation.’

Earlier in the session I had spoken about feeling weak, feeling like I should be over this by now.
‘Do you think using that term will help you show more compassion to yourself? If you call a spade a spade?’

I laughed and then told R the story of Chris’ and my conversation after the 2006 World Cup quarter final, where I had attempted to cheer her up with an English joke that got lost in translation.
I told R about my poem being published and she said she would like to read it.