i struggle with depression and anxiety and i've been diagnosed with depression & PTSD. My whole life was a chaos and mess (i've been emotionally and physically abused from my father and from his ex-girlfriend too, i've experienced emotional neglect from my mother and my grandpa sexually assaulted me) i've been moving from one traumatic part of my live to another one. I would like to describe my struggles in key points, it's easier for me, since english is not my native language.

- fear of abandonment & rejection
- short lived relationships & either i give everything for my partner ,even when i have to blame me for their fault so that they won't leave me or i date someone who i don't care about anymore if i found someone else
- black & white thinking in different parts of my life but mostly in my relationships
- i don't know who i truly am or what i am talented at (i don't have any hobbies cause i can't stick to one thing for long time) i don't know what is right for me, what or when i want, i am just confused cause i can't find a place where i fit/belong in
- i am not self confident and i hate my body, when i see a picture of my body i want to cry because i just think it looks really ugly
- i have serious anxiety about what other people think about me or tell about me, it gets to the point where i try to avoid the people or talking to them
- i feel guilty all the time, about what i did/said or the way i did it, even when someone change the tone of their voice when they say Hi to me cause they had a bad day etc. i think it's because of me and that they are angry at me and hate me and that i did something wrong.
- i am afraid that i destroy my partners and their life, when my boyfriend is sad because of me, it's like a torture for me, all i want to do in the moment is to bang my head against the wardrobe or something because i made him feel this way and because i want these guilt feelings to disappear
- i mirror emotions from other people, for example: when my colleague is angry i become angry or sad too cause i just can't see someone sad or angry it's just unbearable
- my mood changes really often, i could cry in one moment and in the next i will jump and laugh
- i feel like i am missing something, a part of me or something like that
- i have anger outbursts, but only around people that are really close to me (my boyfriend/my brother etc.) but mostly i get really angry and aggressive in a relationship, most notably when i feel hurt or in danger, i react then really angry/impulsively/desperately and i have no empathy or understanding for my partner all i want to is to hurt them exactly like they hurt me (even if they didn't do something wrong)
- i do this push&pull thing where i test if my boyfriend comes back to me even if i started fight or become angry for no reason or when i am really unfair and mean to him
- sometimes when i become anxious because of something i am afraid of, it gets to the point where i become an anxiety attack
- i hate it when person ignores me or leave me even on read it's the most painful thing
- i experience Tension conditions , mostly when i get angry and rarely without reason
- i can't control my emotions and sometimes the feelings are just too intense and i can't handle them, then i just want them to stop or i just want to die so i don't have to feel them anymore

i am sorry if there are some grammar mistakes and for writing this much stuff, i just wanted to let it finally out. I am really grateful for every help.