The crypto investor that was worse than what the soldiers said made me feel bad about taking care of my mom when I told him about her cancer.

Things slipped my mind that hurt her feelings. She says she doesn't forgive herself for neglecting her children and I said I forgive her.

But last night she got drunk chatted up a man that seemed nice and was microdosing shrooms. She met him at a restaurant and put him on the phone with me. He said "I'm on the right path, etc" then she brought him home and I was talking with him. Then she was making out with him.

All these women were drunk and talking to me and each other. I was anxious. I told the guy I was anxious and he said that he didn't give that vibe from me but my pupils were big (Maybe the Vyvanse? idk) but it all made me uncomfortable like I was having a mental psychedelic flashback.

My mom is really messed up from her cancer and life. She's sleeping now and I think might have missed her appointment to knowing what is wrong with her second lump. She dumped the wine into her glass last night in front of me and I should have smashed the glass and bottle off the table. But I just let it happen. There's no controlling an alcoholic.

I told my sister that it was like a bad trip. She told me to stop comparing life to a bad trip.

She took the wine with a tramadol and then started crying saying she's a bad mother. My sister and I brought her to bed and she kept switching between needing water, needing to puke and needing to sleep. It was exhausting but I did my part. She kept saying "Don't leave me" maybe 100 times so I stayed with her while she slept so she didn't puke in her sleep or have heart arrythmias.

It's really hard. Life is really hard. I don't know what to do anymore. People keep saying I need to find a passion (One thing). That's really disturbing to me. I don't like being told what to do.

I feel like just staring at the wall. This morning I was staring out the window watching cars go by. I said, "If a car goes right, everything will be ok. If it goes left, it wont" (I always do things like this). But for the first time I just said, "If a car comes any way, things will be ok". Then a car came and went to the right.

Probability, change, supernatural realm of whatever metaphysical life I'm in - I don't know. I'm just depressed and scared and feel like a horrible person.