i cant seem to be able to stop thinking about them…

mT… i thought he would have answered my email when we were supposed to meet the first time he asked me to go back…. which would have been today but… silence.
he had taught me that even a non-answer is a sort of an answer and even though i kind of begged him to answer to my email at the end of it, im starting to think he thinks the best answer he can give me is a non-answer. so he's leaving me hanging… i hate it, but honestly im also very scared of anything that would come up with any kind of answer from him…. or from fT.

fT… i thought she only wanted to test me and see how much determined i was to quit but now and every single time i re-read her last texts or emails i just get the feeling she is mad at me and disgusted by me and frustrated because i was a therapy failure.

neither of them could really want to get back in touch with me or see me one more time, and maybe not even by chance on the streets. i think they both hate me.

and im starting to see i'll never hear back from them. and im too scared to contact them first… i wouldnt want to go back, just have a better end, but im afraid that if i contact them i'll only get a worse termination with both of them, so i wont start any further contact.

am i doing the right thing here?
will i ever stop thinking about them? and will i ever stop wondering and analyzing every single word from them trying to guess what they think and feel about me???

should i just consider them dead? maybe that would be easier.
i keep looking at the phone trying to… make them contact me.… thats… crazy and pathetic and depressing but i cant help it…. i live the Whole day hoping to hear from one of them or both…

and… i also feel they have to be punished for what im going through now… i know its all my fauly but i cant help blaming them a bit for leaving me hanging like this. maybe if i die they will regret this. not contacting me, not giving me a better end, leaving me hanging.

i hate this, i hate them and i love them and i miss them.
it would be easier if they were dead or if i were dead….

Ts…. get out of my head!!!!!!!!! ...and heart….