Yeah, every once in awhile I will, for whatever reason, get transported back to when I was one especially horrific weekend in Dallas in a hotel room trying to come off Ultram. That weeked was probably the worst depression and misery I have ever experienced, which is really saying something, given my depression history. Whenever that happens, I have to use all my coping tools to bring myself back to the present moment. It might take a good five minutes before I calm down and realize that isn't happening now. That happened in 1999. That I've been clean for 11 years.

So, I feel for you. Hang in there. It is worth it to be clean. It is true what they say--my worst day clean is better than my best day using. Really. I am just one little recovering mentally ill dude, but I hghly recommend not glamorizing your using days. The truth is, for most of us recovering folks, those using days weren't nearly as good as we may sometimes remember them. That's just your disease messing with your brain.