I'm having no symptoms at all like spending sprees, over spending on Amazon etc I'm really good and I'm surprised that I have no symptoms. If anything I'm more cautious on what I spend.

I wrote a note in my phone on the 15th it reads " Ok I haven't been on my meds since mid Nov 2019 and I feel amazing. I mean yeah sure I had side effects and for a while was thinking just take the ****ing meds but I just can't anymore I'm done with them. I managed 188 days on meds that's right I couldn't even make it to 200 days. Who am I? In one hand i feel like it was the best decision i have made in about a decade. But on the other hand I still have the nagging voice saying to take them and I will be better and I need them and that they are essential for me to live a decent ish life. But I feel so good and have felt good since Nov. I have been so good mood wise minus late 27th Dec until mid 29th Dec where I was crying and angry and pissed off. But after that i just felt i bounced back. I'm not manic, I'm not dangerous, I'm not risky, anything I'm cautious and guarded. I even made appts and at that a gp appt cause I am having severe headaches. I'm not really sleeping but this was since before I stopped my meds. I am getting on average 7 hours if I'm lucky not a night but in general. Some nights its barely sleep. I'm waking up early and can't get to sleep. I'm not really paranoid anymore if i can say that. I'm paranoid still about the flat but it's quite laxed. I'm more paranoid about myself and my own sanity. I'm still not motivated to do anything like housework, stuff to do with myself. I'm buggered when i eventually stop volunteering at the DC whenever that will be. Not really committed to RS. Haven't been back since Dec 20th. BUT I did book myself in for singing lessons OMG!!! Its a block of 4 i have to think of songs i want to sing. Had my first lesson on 13th Jan 2020 it was A M A Z I N G!!! who needs meds anyways. For now i feel fantastic"

So I wrote the above and I still stand by this. I was thinking of showing my therapist when I next see her but I'm unsure. She isn't connected to my mental health team. She is private so I pay for her where as my mental health team is free as they are part of the NHS system. So she probably wouldn't contact anyone unless I was in danger etc.

The only thing that I can say is I'm re-living things from my past. I left school in 2003 at 18. I've have vivid memories of primary (ages 5-12) and high school (ages 12-18). I was bullied in primary school so been talking about that when I'm alone in my flat. Talking aloud to the people I see. I know their not real don't worry lol.

Been thinking about my intelligence and how thick I am. Believe it or not I had learning disabilities when I was in Primary school. I couldn't read/write/spell/hold a pencil/do maths (this one is still problematic for me). I feel like I'm such an idiot when it comes to intelligence and that I'll never amount to anything as it's all over my head the words people use etc. Thicko over here I'm afraid