I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Just wanted to offer another way of looking at this. To be honest, I would only go to couples counselling if I wanted to uncouple from the person I was with.

Obviously, not if there's a particular issue, like loss of sex drive, or something...

But in this case, to me, the best chance of bringing your wife to her senses is to leave. Or ask her to. Whichever is most practical.

Apologies for being brutally honest, but your approach of being so understanding (which would be brilliant in other circumstances) is not working. She hasn't stopped thinking about this person. And she's starting to play mind games with you, eg by saying, 'But I can't help what I think.'

Fine. Get lost, then. That's what I'd say...

At the moment, you are trying to solve the problem. She's put you in that position. And it's an impossible problem to solve!

You disappearing from her life might be the shock she needs. It would make her see you in a romantic light again.

Best of luck.