Hey,

If I tell my Sister she will be massively hurt, disappointed and upset with me. I hate when I disappoint people. I try my best to be the best I can but I always fail in re to this fecked up head of mines.

I don't drink or do drugs, I have an unhealthy lifestyle in regards to exercise and diet. But I'm working on it with a dietician. I've been told I meet 2 criterias for eating disorder (1. Binge eating which I already guessed as I've been like this my whole life. 2. Bulimia I don't make myself sick but I have more obsessions re and surrounding food and diet and exercise). I'm trying to eat at least 2 meals a day and less snacking. Dreading my appt in Feb as she is weighing me. I haven't been weighed since Aug.

If I tell someone from my mental health team. I know for a fact I'll be told to get back on them. They'll remind me of the dangers and I'll be nagged until i go back on them. I can guarantee i will fold are 2 times being told to get back on them. I cave in to please people all the time. I hate again letting people down and i take this guilt upon myself. I'm a perfectionist and a people pleaser. But when i stop my meds I'm doing it for myself to make myself happy. As I'm not happy in life. I just pretend.

After I told my therapist I was feeling so guilty I went and stuffed my face until I was stuffed. I hate myself for it but hey ho I'm gonna say it I'm damaged in a sense.

Sleep has been a problem since roughly Aug. I'm mostly not getting enough sleep. Then I'm shattered all day but by bedtime PING I'm awake.