Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Laura
Hey,
If I tell my Sister she will be massively hurt, disappointed and upset with me. I hate when I disappoint people. I try my best to be the best I can but I always fail in re to this fecked up head of mines.
I don't drink or do drugs, I have an unhealthy lifestyle in regards to exercise and diet. But I'm working on it with a dietician. I've been told I meet 2 criterias for eating disorder (1. Binge eating which I already guessed as I've been like this my whole life. 2. Bulimia I don't make myself sick but I have more obsessions re and surrounding food and diet and exercise). I'm trying to eat at least 2 meals a day and less snacking. Dreading my appt in Feb as she is weighing me. I haven't been weighed since Aug.
If I tell someone from my mental health team. I know for a fact I'll be told to get back on them. They'll remind me of the dangers and I'll be nagged until i go back on them. I can guarantee i will fold are 2 times being told to get back on them. I cave in to please people all the time. I hate again letting people down and i take this guilt upon myself. I'm a perfectionist and a people pleaser. But when i stop my meds I'm doing it for myself to make myself happy. As I'm not happy in life. I just pretend.
After I told my therapist I was feeling so guilty I went and stuffed my face until I was stuffed. I hate myself for it but hey ho I'm gonna say it I'm damaged in a sense.
Sleep has been a problem since roughly Aug. I'm mostly not getting enough sleep. Then I'm shattered all day but by bedtime PING I'm awake.
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It sounds like you're able to see some of your patterns here. You mentioned you want to avoid disappointing people. You also mentioned it causes you guilt and pain. Eventually, a force like that builds. If you can see it coming, you can do something to shift it.
This would require getting down to the bottom of why you're willing to hurt yourself to please others. You'd need to determine why you feel your pain and suffering is any less important than someone else's. It probably stems from core trauma and it is most likely complex and will take time to work out. Working it out is extremely valuable. Self sabotaging behavior is a downward spiral to nowhere. I know this personally.
Typically if we are doing something that is appropriate and healthy for ourselves, the value will be evident. It can be explained to others. I think if you have a plan to find wellness med free and it is well thought out you can explain that to others and they should also be able to see the value. However, if there is no attempt to address the root causes and behaviors that foster instability in your life, letting someone know you are going off meds most likely does induce fear for them as they can rationally expect a return of your symptoms. So in the case of your sister, she probably will be disappointed when she learns of your actions and that you ommitted telling her and your treatment team. She will see the behaviors are the same and won't see the justification of your choice.
The eating disorders are a physical manifestation of these emotional imbalances playing out. Our subconscious mind drives behaviors like these and the subconscious works in symbols like we see in dreams. What does the binging represent to you? What does the purging represent? For example one might binge because they felt like something they loved was taken from them and they had no power over it. One might purge because they wish to rid themselves of the guilt or shame of hidden behaviors or emotions. It could be completely different for you. The goal is to spend time contemplating what your body and actions are trying to tell you.
Meds or no meds, these are some of the types of inner work questions that may be helpful for you to resolve. I'm glad you are talking with your therapist openly. That is a good start!
