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Originally Posted by chels127
Hi everyone! It's been a whirlwind of a year. Last year I had my first manic episode in March at age 44, was hospitalized for a week, then outpatient for over a month. I was diagnosed Bipolar 1, although my doctor and therapist both say my extreme abuse of marijuana both before and during the mania, along with stress in my marriage and finances, could have created the "perfect storm". They say I may have been misdiagnosed even though I had ALL the symptoms. Mania and psychosis lasted several weeks, followed by an INTENSE, brutal depression lasting all summer, finally ending in September. I'm stable now, and applied to grad school for a Master's in Social Work with a concentration on substance abuse and mental health. I felt like it was time to use my experiences with substance abuse and mental health to help others. College started last week, and now I'm SO very afraid and anxious. Afraid of failure, afraid I'm in over my head, and mostly... afraid the stress of school could trigger another episode. Is it possible to manage BP and go to grad school, or did I make a huge mistake and put my mental health in danger? Any advice would be much appreciated.
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Yes, those choices could cause instability, but I can also see the path you imagined for yourself playing out like you hoped. You could heal the wounds you sustained while you furthrer educate yourself and then go on to assist others. What a wonderful vision for your life.
I can see how your actions created a perfect storm, but I would offer that there may be other issues behind the scenes that led to this as well. You were abusing marijuana for a reason. It might help to do some life analysis to look for root causes for self medicating. Addressing those issues can help your quest for stability. If they persist they will play out again somehow.
Meanwhile, I think it makes sense to make sure you are covering all of your bases. Mental health is emotional health. Mental health is physical health. Mental health is spiritual health. Finding balance holistically will help ensure you're able to deal with anything that might come up.
You can allow fear of relapse to keep you from imagining and creating the life you want for yourself. You can also just jump right in and see where it leads. For me, I find merging both as my truth helps. I recognize I am afraid and develop strategies to understand the fear and address it. I create plans to leverage in case I get sick and need them in the future. I also keep moving forward and realigning with my dreams for myself. The combination helps me to feel supported while I take the steps I want to take. Relapse isn't failure. Drowning in fear of relapse and letting it steal your life and your dreams is. The perspective you keep is of the utmost importance.
I think what you're attempting to do is beautiful. It may not play out exactly like you think, but I hope you maintain your fighter attitude and keep pusing forward. If this exact path isn't right, that's okay. You can find another. Just don't let the fear keep you frozen. Much love to you!
