Hi all,

I was diagnosed with BPD last August after having struggled my whole life. I had no idea that what was wrong was a condition - I genuinely thought I just sucked at everything .

This is a bit of a long post - sorry - I just wanted to give some background as to how my BPD affects me working.

Looking back at my work history, I have never been able to keep a job for longer than 18-24 months. I don't know why. I get to around 18 months and just begin to panic, feel suffocated, desperately anxious, completely desperate to get out of there as quickly as possible. When I leave, I am overwhelmed by fear about going back, and that is how I feel until I return.

I am currently in this place - I hate my job, I don't get on with any of my colleagues (well, to be fair, I struggle to get on with people in general), I work in a tiny office on my own which depresses me further, and my boss is awful. I have asked to be moved into an office with other people - they know about my BPD - as I am really struggling but they claim there is nowhere for me to move to. And I spoke with my HR rep about my boss, she told me I just needed to be an adult and deal with it myself - I kind of wanted to laugh as I am 15 years older than her!

I just hate being like this, I don't want to be filled with dread and anxiety every minute of the day.

So I asked my DH whether I could leave work, but he says we can't afford it right now. However, I have been desperately looking for other work and after 50 applications I realised it might be because I cant stay in a job for more than 2 years that is getting me rejected constantly. But of course I cant fix that, and then I began thinking about staying where I am for the next twenty years and I panicked even more.

I am on meds and they keep my from either extreme of the spectrum, but the symptoms still affect me - especially when I am stressed, which is always.

I've been off sick the last week and a bit and am due back tomorrow but I seriously can't face it (I keep thinking over and over about what I could do to get out of it). My DH will go mad if I stay off any longer as he says we cant afford it.

Sorry for the long-winded post, I wanted to share how BPD affects me and maybe get some feedback from others in the same boat, but as I wrote this I realised just how much this is affecting me, and how I had no one to talk to about it, so I think I needed this opportunity to say it all out loud.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading to the end, I really appreciate it!

Sun x