Im thinking about your words Rive. thank you…

but yes, wanting to end my life is the best thing for me and the most wanted thing. i have been chasing it for years and maybe now it will be possible. and this is best for Ts too because they wont be responsible, feel hurt, sad, betrayed, failure or whatever. now THEY ARE FREE FROM ME.

BUT I MISS THEM.... AND I CANT STAND HOW MUCH DIFFERENTLY THAN USUAL THEY HAVE RESPONDED THIS TIME. I CANT CONCEPTUALIZE THIS. ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY. they are not them anymore. what happened to them??? what have i done? what are they thinking and feeling? do they hate and are disgusted by me now??? never loved me a little bit?

i cant stand when plans are ruined and i cant find a way to fix it. now its all ruined. relationships with them are ruined and not fixable. i've lost everything.

im BPD. what has been triggered is ABANDONMENT. (no matter i terminated them, in my mind they left me!)