I'm really sorry that you are in that situation. I wish I had some good advice but unfortunately I lack that kind of insight. Do you think your wife realizes that her behavior might have some relationship to her untreated BPD? I may be wrong, but I think there are books on how to deal with those afflicted with BPD. Do you think it might be helpful to consult with a psychotherapist privately about how to handle the situation with your wife?