My Support Forums - View Single Post - (TRIGGERING CONTENT) I don’t know what to believe anymore...

I hate myself · 08:22 PM

POCD again... I think?

I know. It’s just whenever I see a child on TV or not I get very anxious and I look away. And I am still confused on what I am because OCD makes me doubt I’m normal and I’m a monster when I don’t want to be. Its scary and I am so scared I’m a pedophile, when I masturbate intrusive thoughts come up too... and ruin it...

If you read my past posts you can see my main issues with this OCD, at least I think it is. I can’t enjoy anything but South Park and Fairy tail without guilt and even then I have to look away at some scenes and it’s been like that for awhile now, anything relating to children triggers me and scares me.

Possible trigger:

I’m so worried about being a pedo and might possibly jacking off to kids and being a child molester I battle the thoughts daily, keep on resisting them no matter what, and I must never give in to them no matter how much it tires me out.

I cannot live like this, I don’t know if I’m a pedo in denial or not. The OCD thoughts make me think I’m a pedo by pouring unwanted thoughts to hell and back. What even am I? Is it possible to be a pedo and not be turned on by kids? Is it possible to get rid of this **** for good? I don’t want to be attracted to kids, I am not turned on by them, I hate the thoughts, and I avoid kids left and right so I don’t get intrusive anxiety. I am starting to believe I’m a pedo, how can I tell if I’m attracted to kids?

I am not turned on by them anymore, but I used to jack off to them. The intrusive thoughts are twisting everything and I’m afraid that I am in-fact a pedophile. The thoughts give me gag reflexes now at times. And I’m so scared of kids, yet at the same time I want to look at porn of girls my age. I’m afraid I will get the urge to masturbate to kids again. I put in all web blockers in place to avoid it. But every search engine I see has the pictures of the kids. I’m not turned on by them anymore. But still... What if? What if im actually attracted to kids and I don’t want to admit it? That is the common thought I get recurring, and the thoughts of kids being raped, molested, or just being naked in general scare me. I don’t get turned on, but at times I get unwanted erections or groinal responses. I do get gag reflexes too.

I don’t know what to do it is scary. I don’t want to be a pedophile or a child molester! I don’t want the thing I get off to to be naked little girls! Not anymore, never again! I regret all the things I did when I was 12-13... Is that definitive proof I’m a pedophile? I’m so scared because one time when I was 12, I stared at a 2 year old girl’s butt at the pool and I’m starting to feel that is also proof, I regret that, and I regret looking at kids too! Is my past actions definitely proof I’m a pedo? Should I accept being something I’m possibly not? I hate the constant thoughts and doubts. I’m not turned on by children. But why though? Why did I masturbate to them then?