Does this make sense to anyone. You begin to realise that what you've done all your life has been a sort of trauma reenactment, but for you it felt real, then gradually you begin to be ever so slightly removed from your actions and though you feel powerless to stop them you begin to question them?, but then you go through a different stage of being ever so slightly aware of the pain you are causing yourself, so now this is the first time you know the outcome of your actions only bring about pain where as before you were only dead set on repeating the insanity hoping for a different result, but though you now know its pain that happens you still do it..then you move onto another stage or needing to continue to do "it" to watch, to see if you can find a way to quit it?, but though your still repeating, your doing it from a different level of the onion?, its almost like your stuck in pergatory, feeling like your stuck behind a glass wall and not able to reach outside....then you begin to realise that you are infact being driven, where is before you believed you were the driver? thats when it gets real freaky...but you know you've got to learn this on the way to the solution? Does this make sense?