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Originally Posted by here today
Paper Roses,
So sorry, again, about your situation.
The roots and history of family dysfunction, estrangement, cold-heartedness, etc. are there in my family. It wasn't apparent when I was growing up. I internalized feelings of rejection and disapproval, worked all the harder to be "good", etc. Another familiar-type pattern, as well as others in the dysfunctional family "scripts". But it all fell apart, and the negativity came out, when my parents (divorced, so 2 separate times) declined and then passed away. I was trying to be "honest". Others would have nothing of it, or at any rate had views and opinions that they did not want, or were not able, to discuss. That's how it seems to me, anyway, my story, theirs may be different. All about how horrible and/or unacceptable I was. And, there, I was the one who walked away, after they would/could not address the issues I (sometimes intensely emotionally) raised.
My daughter likely had a view similar to theirs, although I don't think she's in touch with any of the family, either, currently. If she is, that is her business.
My sister and I inherited some property in common that necessitated our communicating about business. If it hadn't been for that I would not voluntarily be in contact with her and I doubt she would be with me. But sticking to business only has worked out pretty well -- I've been straightforward, mostly by email, and she's learned how to deal with me, as I have with her procrastination and overlooking stuff until I remind her again, etc. In the last couple of years she has expressed some appreciation for what I have done -- and in my emails I have consistently said "What do you think?" "Please let me know if you disagree about this." Etc. She expressed a desire to have a bit of a more personal relationship and we exchanged a few emails like that but there was some undying dynamic I just didn't like and didn't buy into. So we're back now just to business. Maybe we can find a way to move beyond that, maybe not.
40 years is a long time. Maybe the sister wants to try to apologize? And/or try to have a relationship of some sort? But without a history of doing that, I think it's hard, and my experience is that it is hard, to get something going at this point. Nevertheless. . .Maybe a smidge of good can come of it? What's the risk? Can you feel a way within yourself to protect yourself, in case something triggering comes up?
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Here Today
Thank for sharing. I often think I am the only one who's family of origin abandoned. In my case the initial rejection was based on nothing. Nothing that makes sense. It is rather shocking to most.
Try to make it short. The sister, L, who has said she wants to call me in hopes of reconciliation lived with my mother her entire life. She had two children with two different men several years apart. She decided when I was 21 years old that I should not be included in holiday gatherings. My mother agreed. I don't know if she had any objections but she agreed. I had an 18 month old son and a 4 month old daughter at the time. The reason given for my being ostracized was that my 18 month old might want to play with her 5 year old daughters toys. She did not like sharing and no other solution to an older cousin finding a way to cope with a younger cousin was explored.
I spent Christmas and other holidays alone with my little ones. I was separated from my husband. I was told not to come over. They lived about 10 miles away. My very good friend insisted I come to her house but over the years I found that this was difficult for my children and I. Alone, I spent the time at my friends house trying to keep them occupied. She had no children for the first few years and her house was full of breakable. She tried but ultimately I stayed home where the children could play with their things and nap in their beds.
I have 6 siblings and I was the only one excluded. This went on _well I never celebrated a holiday with them again. I asked my brother recently if anyone ever wondered where I was? He said that he assumed or was told I had other plans.
Later, many years later, I did remember some things and L said I lied.
I tolerated this for a decade allowing my mother to pick and choose when she would see me. My self esteem was very low and I did not realize how abusive this was until I shared it with my therapist when I was 34. It was just normal. I cried on those long holidays after putting my kids to bed and imagined that one of my siblings might call or drop by for a cup of coffee. It never happened.
Is L calling to apologize, I really doubt it but I could be wrong. She has not called and may not. She might have just been having an emotional reaction that passed.
If she does call I have decided to give it a few minutes of pleasantries. I will then ask her why she called. I will insist that my requirements for reconciliation will include both of us sharing our understanding of what happened and how to fix it. I will offer to bring my therapist in on the call to assist.
I think it's very u unlikely that it would get that far. She will not even call.
It caused me to go back and revisit those years. There is always " leftover" pain to be felt it seems no matter how long ago.
I went on to get a B.A. and an M.A. and to have a successful career.
I believe I did a good job of caring for my children. In retrospect I know I gave too much and expected too life from my children. How could I not expect too little? Now I have selfish adult children who have nothing to give me. Full circle.
I'm ok. Not so overwhelmed since I devised a plan in case she calls.
My mom is gone and L turned most of my Siblings against me. They have nothing I want or need at this time.