This morning I had yet another massive panic attack. And when I went to post about it here afterwards I realised something. I think the reason nothing works to calm me down (rational thinking, deep breathing, meditation, calming music etc) is because my mind subconsciously doesn't want me to - calming down/not panicking would mean letting my guard down and that is when really bad things happen.

I am always on edge, waiting for the next bad thing (my life has been a long series of really bad things), and I think that's what the near constant anxiety and panic is about - I can't believe I never connected the dots here, I just associated the panic with whatever set me off (a social event. a trigger in a movie, going to work, etc).

Does anyone else feel like this?