I'm going to take things in a slightly different direction here. I know everyone has their thories about why we experience these shifts and we hear a lot that bipolar 'lies to us' and that it is just the disease working. In my opinion, bipolar is actually quite truthful and it shows us where we have dis ease. I know, I know. That sounds so wrong, but I'll elaborate.

I have come to the opinion that in many cases the swings we experience are rooted in the core trauma we have sustained over the course of our lives as well as the core trauma humanity as a whole carries. This isn't novel. I just agree with the theory of others. As this trauma occurs, we stuff it down because like Cashart said, we see it as grotesque and nobody wants those parts of themselves to show. In many cases we stuff it away because the truth of it is too much to bear. However, these are real and true parts of ourselves that had real experiences with real stories to tell.

Eventually, the dam breaks, they flood out and demand to be heard. I think of it like a pressure cooker. We try to keep the lid on and the pressure builds up. We have a steam release valve, but sometimes it malfinctions and the lid just blows right off. When that happens, these repressed pieces of ourselves come forward and take center stage in our lives. We then feel the pain of these selves that have been ignored and stuffed down and treated like the garbage we shoved under out bed because we didn't want anyone to see it. They take the stage and put on quite an extreme show because well, they finally got the mic for once and they want us to see what they've been silently suffering all this time. They are screaming for help and they don't want to be pushed aside again (killed).

So... We observe and we empathize and we feel the pain. It is horrible to watch. We feel all kinds of emotions. Anger, rage, fear, denial, sadness, etc. The 'show' then becomes too much and we want to get up and leave because as a viewer we enjoy the right to change the channel... But we can't. The tv is broken and every channel is more of this sad story that we don't want to watch, so we decide we want to turn off the tv (die)...

I use that as a metaphor, but it seems like these subconscious pieces of ourselves take over and it becomes too much and we 'want to die'. Now when we say that the instinct is to say that is just a lie. We don't really want to die. Perhaps maybe it is more accurate to say what we really want is for that piece of us to 'rest in peace' so we can get back to our normal and preferred show or programming. We want it to go away, but we don't need to kill anything if we can get it to go away peacefully on its own accord.

Cashart has been working with the family therapy (I forgot the exact name) method. Families are teams. Teams are full of variant personalities and often they conflict with each other. Conflict resolution within teams can be complex, but there are a few basics I will offer.

When one teammate is talking nonstop and dragging down the team we need to get to the root of it to get them to stop. Otherwise, they feel shamed and pipe down just long enough to move forward, but they slowly sabotage the team from within as we go along. The best forward momentum occurs when everyone feels heard and validated and gets on board with the goals of the team.

A good first step to diffusing the conflict is to ask the teammate why they feel the way they do. What is their hi(story), how does it make them feel and what are their resulting beliefs about the future. Essentially, you allow the teammate to tell their truth. So Cashart, maybe you think about the times when you did let your kids down and how you felt then. You go back further and think about when you were a child and the adults in your life let you down and how that felt. Then you look at what that does to your beliefs about the future... Maybe you feel like you don't deserve to be a mother anymore and maybe you feel like you don't deserve forgiveness. Maybe you felt afraid and unsupported. These are just examples.

Here's the fun part... The variance in perspective and personalities in teams that causes conflict is the exact thing that heals teams and allows for change. If sad and angry and depressed feeling like a failure Mom Cashart has had the spotlight too long and whole and complete Cashart feels that is out of balance, we need some kind of opposing force to balance things out a bit. In this case we need a super mom force and maybe a loving and forgiving child force to push back a little and open the door for healing.

It might help for Cashart to gather up proof of the times when she has given her all and sacrificed for her children unconditionally. She might go through old pictures and look at smiling faces and times when her kids felt completely loved and supported. She might go sit with her own mother and just hold her hands and feel the vibe of a loving and caring mother or remember times when he mother carried her and she felt totally safe and secure. Cashart might also remember that despite all that she has done her children love her and forgive her. She might remember that there were times when she was let down as a child and she was able to continue to love and forgive her mother regardless. Cashart can remind herself of these equally truthful hi(stories) and think about how super mom and loving and forgiving child see the future. They know they have the ability to experience joy. Super mom knows she has tremendous love and teachings to offer. Super mom knows she isn't perfect, but that she's the best and her love for her kids transcends any imperfections. Loving and forgiving child Cashart knows that mistakes do not define her mom and that she loves and forgives because her mom is human and there is so much more to her than the yucky parts.

Now these teammates can buddy up for a while and help each other out. Their truth is now collective and it creates a future that honors and validates the past of both parties. Their collective truth shines light on what would be valuable to both of them going forward. This allows whole and complete Cashart to get back up on the stage where she belongs. This way, no piece of her needs to 'die', everyone is heard and everyone has buddies to help them find a way forward in the dark. Maybe that way forward is acceptance and forgiveness of the past with a promise to herself to aim to work harder to remember Cashart is a whole team when one of the teammates is in need again.

So that was long, but it is just a bit of what I've been working with. I said and did some completely insane things when I was sick. However, the more I analyze it the more I realize the things I did were like overly dramatic symbols for things I had repressed within my subconscious. They weren't completely 'lies' and there was a reason for and an essence of truth to all of it. I realize my experience isn't everyone's, but I thought this might help someone somehow... As always discard anything that feels false.

Finally I will say coping skills and other usual treatments are valuable and should not be discarded. I view them as helpful tools that can assist us in taking much needed breaks while we do this most important work of growth and healing.