Well, no sleep tonight. Tried for an hour and was just ruminating and planning and all over the place. Totally amped up. Thrashing like a giant halibut on the boat deck. So, that's fine. I'm up and doing my thing.

Have been trying to sort through my whole picture here and not miss anything and one conclusion I have had to come to in the last few days is that: 1) My PTSD is having a huge negative impact on my mental health at the moment, and: 2) I have developed a somewhat hidden (from myself) and elaborate schema for avoiding dealing with this issue and am, in fact, pretending like it does not exist.

None of this is proving very effective or helpful to me, so I am going to have to figure it out. Interestingly, what I think I have discovered by doing a little CBT on this is that I am not actually today actively extremely worried about my actual tormentors. I think I might be able to handle them, sort of. What I am really most afraid of, terrified of, in fact, is being afraid all the time again. So, I'm afraid of being afraid.

So, that's good to know, I think. Now, I just have to figure out what to do about it.

Sending hugs and love to all!!!!