Dear Dad,

You hurt me. You hurt me so bad I preferred neglect over your attention. And your affection only made me feel that much more empty because I knew it wasn't real.

For the first time in my life I'm acknowledging just how much you weren't there. I could never understand what I'd done to push you away from me like that. After all, you and everyone else (with few exception) claimed it was me. Emotionally, you were a bully when you were there, but that's the thing, isn't it? You took the glory for all of the things I did. Every ****ing thing I gave you, you threw in my face and boasted to others. I'm the only ****ing reason my baby sister was never taken by CPS. And maybe I shouldn't have covered your *** because life with you was ****ing hell.

Sure, mom had left, but you know what? She still cared more, I heard it in every phone call. You're a narcissist and I was your punching bag at best. You haven't changed and you never will. I'm done putting myself up for you to target every time something goes wrong in this family. You're the core reason it isn't one anymore. You divided everyone to be as miserable as you. Are you happy?

I was so scared, every night alone at 12 just trying to take care of this poor little girl. My sister was so ****ing sad, and you weren't there. She acted out to get you home and you never even showed. I did. Every single time. It was me at her teacher's desk talking about strategies to help her get through our mom leaving. I was the one learning how to cook, and often failing, to be able to feed the kid more than pb&j's or cereal. I panicked every time that monster banged on the front door to get me to open it. The man was able to torment me (sometimes even my little sister) because you weren't there. Sometimes, not being there meant drunk and passed out in your shed.

The weight you put on me wasn't fair. I was bound to break, and when I did.. you left. Barely speak to me since my first hospitalization in 2016. Four years of being your residential disappointment and sympathy grabber for when you're with your friends. If only the world could see both faces like I have. I feel weak for going back to you every time you just want me to come over. I hate myself for still wanting you to just be my dad. I feel like a child when I cry over the fact that you don't want to even be around me as an adult. 24 year old man who still tears up over dad not calling.

You aren't worth the time I've given you. Sorry I couldn't be worth yours.

-your son