Cyran0, I can relate to your struggles. Like you, I find the urges to use ebb and flow. There are times being clean and sober are a piece of cake. Then there are times where I am consumed with thoughts of escaping via drugs. It is true, there is no "escape" like a drug high. I think drugs take you to a different reality--completely cut off your connection to this reality. The down side of that is this reality also contains the "good" things such as our loved ones. Escaping into the drug high means I leave my family behind...escaping to the drug high feels good in many ways but it also robs me. When I am high, I don't experience the love of my family. Think of the last time you were with your son and you felt that special inner love of being a father...those are the precious moments we miss out on when we join the other reality. Drugs are an empty escape--a false sense of being free. In reality we are chained down by the quality of the drug, the amount we have...the "escape" robs us of the special moments we can have in this reality.

Of course, even knowing that, I still occasionally crave that drug escape. I try real hard to remember that, in truth, drugs do not offer an escape. Instead they promise an escape but in fact enslave us with addiction. There is nothing less free than addiction.