Hey bpcyclist I think it's fantastic that you are ready to tackle your C-PTSD now. I'm sorry that you've been burdened with that and with your bipolar 1 with psychosis. But I think you are very intelligent and of strong character, so whatever you do, don't give up.

Since you are a cycler, I was going to ask if you ever found swimming laps therapeutic or meditative?

I would try to find a therapist or a support group where trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy is practiced. Trauma-focused therapy follows a phase-based treatment. It adds various activities one at a time. It's designed to help you face your anxiety around your C-PTSD and flashbacks. It helps you recall and process your C-PTSD. It will also include activities that shut down hyperarousal or hypervigilance. Since you cycle 100 miles a day or close to that, would you say that shuts down those two stress responses? Maybe find a meditation center or find out if you can go to a public pool and do some swim-walking where you walk laps in the shallow end. There's also water yoga and water aerobics. Trauma-focused therapy also measures your tolerance of your negative affective states and uses mindfulness activities to counter any intolerance. MBST - mindfulness based stress reduction breathing and meditation and other related calming activities.

Trauma-based therapy uses PRAC skills. It uses the CBT model of the Cognitive triangle: relationship between thoughts, feelings and behavior. It teaches you how to normalize conflicting feelings -- esp. when you have multiple conflicting feelings happening at the same time. It teaches you how to identify feelings associated with the C-PTSD and then how to regulate those feelings to get to a state of calm. It helps you identify false or inaccurate trauma-related thoughts (I shouldn't have... or they/he/she shouldn't have...) and altered core views of yourself (I'm a bad person because...) and how you view other people (people can't be trusted...) and the world (the world is an unsafe place...). The therapist will rank the order of the trauma (s) involved from worst to least

Art and music also heal. Since you are a writer, keep working on your memoir. Also, coloring is extremely relaxing. I do it and I'm 49. That will sound crazy but it helps me. Also, this will sound silly, but create your own "feelings survival kit." Activities that you can alternate that help you calm down that involve some kind of activity; cycling, taking a warm bath, watching a tv show, drumming, coloring with crayons or markers, reading...whatever those activities are for you.

I would HIGHLY recommend that you join a drum circle, bpcyclist. Music is healing and there are legitimate medical journal articles written about the positive benefits on the body and mind from vibrational music such as percussion. Don't spend money. Find a drum circle that meets for free. For instance, fliers in music shops, coffee shops, at colleges or universities, or even nonprofit places. Like in my city, we have Pathways and that's where I first did a drum circle.

I found a couple of places you can start in your city. They both have public drum circles. You don't have to pay to attend them, I believe. I would call or email to verify that. But I guarantee a drum circle will change your life. And people from all walks of life join drum circles. You'd be surprised. I was with my drum circle for 5 years. We even performed in public and got paid for it.

Dream - Home

Drum Lessons Portland

And after my brain injury, when I resumed my drumming, that literally sped up my healing from my physical and mental injuries. It aligned my lopsided gait, helped my breathing return to normal, lowered my blood pressure, put me in a meditative state and I always, ALWAYS slept like a rock for days after drumming with my drum circle. So, a drum circle would definitely help you with your insomnia hell, I think. Call music shops, ask them if they have any that are open to the public. Call music departments of your local community colleges, universities or colleges and ask them about drum circles. Or, nonprofit healing centers will offer them for free, like Pathways here does.

Wow that was long. Hope it was helpful!