I once was a person who was kind, caring, had much empathy for others and an overabundance of love to give. I would go out of my way to never cause anyone hurt or pain. But then the monster entered my life in 2001 and started to slowly swallow me up, bit by bit. It has dragged me down to it's lair more times than I care to remember, each time taking claim to a little bit more of what used to be. Several times it has almost been successful of swallowing the remnants of me whole but somehow there was enough of me left to stop it's evil goal. Today it took even greater hold of me and dragged me back down to the lair that I've come to know so well. I could barely hang on, I became desperate and my will was becoming the same as the monster's, to swallow what little is left of what was originally me, it was winning, I was desperate and sitting on the edge and could feel myself letting go, I first tried to stop it but my strength was diminishing, I was losing my grasp, the monster was getting a strong grip on me, as I was succumbing to this so powerful force, I started researching the net for what method I would choose. If I was to totally release myself to the monster, there could be no room for error, it had to be successful. I cried uncontrollably in desperation to fight yet with the same desperation I went from website to website for that perfect way that would complete the monster's ultimate goal on what's left of my life. The fight was so consuming, I kept thinking of a poem I had read here that I was determined would help me battle the monster, but I kept looking and looking from one site to next, reading feverishly. I shouted out to God. I needed to talk with someone specific but I knew that wasn't going to happen but in my desperate cries to God for that person to contact me, instead one of my cats came to me with his big loving eyes of wanting to be cuddled, like I wanted and needed all night. So, I picked him up and loved him the way I needed love tonight and the me from within gained some ground against the monster and I realized that my cats need my love, even if they are the only ones who do. So, for now the monster is quiet but leaves me battered and depressed but it still has a stronghold enough that anybody that should come near me will be battered and hurt. The monster has all but swallowed up the me that once was. I wish I could escape and be that loving person again that would never hurt anyone but the monster has taken claim and I'm almost no more.

The monster goes by the name of Bi-Polar with rapid-cycling. My fear is someday he will swallow the rest of me as every time we have this battle, there's just a little bit less of the me from within to carry on the fight.