I had an imaginary conversation with you in my mind. I said that I didn't really want therapy with you anymore, but rather talk to you about sex with you, in the hope it would affect you in some way. You asked, you mean in that it would arouse me? I said yes in my head, suddenly felt sad, and started to cry in real life. As I continued the imaginary conversation with you, I realised that the possibility that you would only be attracted to me physically made me sad, and that I clearly felt that I wanted you to love (!) me. This took me by surprise because I have never felt or been aware of wanting that from someone. I never feel so certain about my own feelings either. Also, I thought my feelings for you were waning, and I wouldn't have considered my feelings for you that strong at any point in the past.

It was a nice experience for me to feel this so clearly. This is what I wish living felt like all the time. Not in the sense of constantly feeling strong emotions, but feeling clear, uncomplicated emotions instead of the muddled, down-dragging depression-emotions that I am more used to. My current therapist is helpful in showing me where the line between the two is, maybe that has contributed to this experience. Also, now I reread the post, her showing me my continuous self-doubt, including regarding any feelings I may have.