I was trying (for the hundredth time) to explain to my mother what my racing thoughts are like when it comes to carrying on a conversation, and she actually seemed to understand it a bit more this time!

In the past I have tried explaining how my words just come too fast in my brain but I can't get them out into my mouth before the next thought comes into my head and I get frustrated and just give up on the conversation some times.

And I have tried to explain that it is like I just have to say the first word that comes to mind in order to try to get my thought out, but that isn't always a word that describes things in the way that I really am thinking about them.

She doesn't really understand those explanations.

But this time I suddenly thought of my racing thoughts as being like words floating down a river. They are floating by fast and I have to reach out and grab the words quickly, but there are so many of them and the water is choppy and makes it hard to grab the words or sometimes the words get pushed underwater and it's really hard to remember just where they are and what word I was aiming for when I can't see them. And all the words are rushing towards a huge waterfall and if they go over that waterfall they are just gone! There is no getting them back.

So I try to grab the words that are getting close to the waterfall just in case they are words I need, but sometimes they aren't quite right or they don't fit into my sentence at all! So then I have to waist time throwing them back in. As I do that I start to see that I'm about to lose a whole lot of words over the waterfall and I panick and drop a floodgate dam to stop all the words completely!

Then I really have a mess because I have to decide if I should just give up on the sentence and open the dam and consider all those thoughts and words a total loss, and just start over looking upstream at the new words flowing In, or if I should let everything come to a standstill while I dive into the growing pond full of words and search hard for the ones I need.

At that point the conversation will come to an awkward pause, as I try to grasp at the words, or try to give up and restart with a new sentence.

People may notice sometimes, but other times if I'm fast enough I can accomplish my task and grab onto the words and get on with the conversation.

But really all that chaos and confusion is completely invisible to everyone else because the words I grab are all good words and they often make sense to others around me, but I know inside that I totally missed the words I really wanted and I just settled for what feels to me like second or third best.

So in my head the conversation is a complete failure and I am so frustrated by that. But no one else knows that because they are standing on the other side of the trees (bushes, fence, wall somthing like that) and they only see the nicely arranged words that I carry over to them. But I still have to make sure the words get pronounced right so other people can understand them, and my tongue doesn't always do a very good job of that. That slows me down even more.

That's my best effort to describe my brain when it comes to conversation.

Now typing on the other hand makes the words slow down on the river. The keys on my tablet make the words break up into letters and letters can be grabbed and put in any order I want. They don't always get spelled the right way, but the words get sorted out and put down on the page and it doesn't really matter if letters go over the waterfall because there are just so many of them that I can always see another one coming along when I need it.

The keys on my tablet or phone are like stepping stones that I can hop around on and more easily make the words. And I don't have to worry about throwing wrong letters back because as soon as my fingers type the word it is stored on the page and frees up room in my brain for me to focus on the next word. And after I finish my thoughts, I can sit back and relax I know the words are there and now all I have to do is read over them and check for any extra little letters that may have snuck in. And when I see that I forgot a word I only have to figure out the letters for one word. I can take my time and decide what just the right word will be. And I feel good about that, I feel in control. My words and thoughts are trapped on the page for good and they can't slip away from me.

I don't need to worry about pronouncing the words at all! And I don't have to worry about any awkward silence because I get to finish the whole conversation before I send it.

Does that make sence to anyone else? Or am I just having racing thoughts?

P.S. I totally ignored the proof reading step on this post, sooo, sorry if it's a mess