Today’s session ended up being one of the hardest and most enlightening I have had with R to date. I began by showing her the poem I finished on Tuesday evening, 20 minutes before all hell broke loose.

‘What jumps out at me here is that everything you have said, according to Brené Brown would be the opposite of being brave.’

‘She has definitely flipped the traditional definitions of those words.’

From talking about the poem, I moved into talking about the aftermath of the last session, and the onslaught of trigger dates.

‘I felt I was more guarded last session.’
‘I noticed that you hid from me more. I couldn’t see your face.’

I then explained that I had been thinking about what I need from her.

‘When I am in that difficult place, I feel I need…it’s so stupid.’
‘I immediately jump on the word stupid.’

‘It feels daft, because a lot of the time I am holding your hand anyway when we talk about these things, but I feel as though I need more verbal reassurance.’

‘Even though…’ I reached for her hand. ‘Even though the abuse is over, it is still having an impact on my relationships. When friends ask how I am, I say “Fine, thanks.” and get a ‘Yeah, that is convincing.’

‘The cost of being brave is never letting the mask drop. And I wonder how successful you are being?’

R then said she wondered what I was like at responding to my needs before.

‘With your approval, I will use the word. Maybe that will make it easier for you to use the word.’

Somehow the conversation shifted back to verbal reassurance.
‘I don’t want to interrupt your flow, but I think we skirted around what that would look like for you.’

‘Even though you are here holding my hand…It’s ‘You’re safe’, ‘Stay with it’, and…this sounds daft… ‘I’m still here.’

‘Thank you. I might make a note, but I think I will remember them.’
I talked about how I hate bringing Chris into this, but…
‘Everything I know about…’
‘Do you want a hand?’

I accepted. ‘Everything I know about cancer came from my experience with Chris. She did not share much about her health with me, so when she could no longer provide updates, information came from other people.

I filled R in a little more on the timeline, and the difference between the last conversation and the others.

‘Chris initiated that conversation. I would like to think that was because she wanted to let me know what was going on.’

I explained what Chris had shared with me, and the fact that another operation ‘Maybe next year’ was like cold water over my head.

‘She said ‘If you visit the board, tell them’, and I asked whether I could message Jonathan, whoever they were.’ I continued. ‘That was the most disrespectful and damaging thing I could have done!’
‘Intent is important. That’s what I want to leave hanging at this point. What I hear is you were making sure you had support. I hear your anger directed at Lost, rather than those people.’ She sounded sad as she said that.

I was quiet for a moment, and then said:

‘Did I essentially give them the information they needed on what would shake me to my core?’
‘Quite possibly, Lost. I hear some self blame.’

‘Throughout it all, everything she was dealing with. Her illness and the demands of family life, Chris always made time for me. I always felt like she had my back, and now…’

‘It’s OK, Lost…go there.’

‘You sound incredulous about that. No matter what, she always had your back, and that is such a huge thing to lose.’

We were well over time by this point, but R said she now has a new understanding of my anger, and how much of that is on Chris’ behalf. I said it would be good to pick that thread up next week.

R said that she had another appointment to get to, but didn’t want to leave me feeling raw. She led me through a breathing exercise based on breathing out tension (one colour) and breathing in support and the sense of having my needs met (multicoloured).

Earlier in the session, we talked about endeavouring to meet my needs or get them met before they become urgent. R made the analogy using thirst as an example, but this also applies to emotional needs.