Honestly werewoman, what you really wanted was a sense of control. You have had to be the submissive one probably all your life and you wanted to "fix" that by being this Domme and maybe trying to actually help the person who is submissive instead of the kind of suffering you have endured. You want to figure out how to break the cycle of your own suffering. The submissive entity is actually "you" and you want to find a way to change that. The love? The being in love that you labeled this thread? That's finding a way to love YOU.

Abusers ALL want to prevent that so you end up giving into THEM. That is how they gain a sense of identity. These individuals are not always aware of that. That's what makes them "dysfunctional".

Actually? You are around my age (60's) and that means you grew up in a generation that was very dysfunctional. There is a series called "Mad Men" that actually does a good job at depicting the generation our parents grew up in. Actually, my therapist told me about it and he said that it can be a bit triggering for our generation not always in a bad way, but, it just does a good job showing the generation our parents lived in when they were in their early 30's and parents to us. Truth is, a lot of our generation grew up with similar dysfunction. I ended up watching the first episode that I found through doing a search as I was curious when my therapist told me about it. Yes, I can see what he means, generational messages very different from "now".
Actually werewoman, there was a lot of narcissism in our parent's generation. A LOT of alcoholism too. Your husband is an alcoholic correct? You thought he was a match for you? My guess is more that what you experienced in him was more that it was FAMILIAR. That is what happened to me too. I failed to recognize the familiar that was bad for me. Unfortunately, this is a common mistake many make.

The answer is not becoming a submissive codependent. You actually do deserve to love yourself.