I recall replying to your previous posts on this subject. Perhaps other PC members will have some insights they'll want to share. My personal opinion is you're not going to find answers to this on-line. You really have to find some way to get with a psychologist or mental health therapist who has expertise in the areas of OCD & human sexuality & then work with that person to figure all of this out.

All of this is clearly causing you untold distress. And I know something about what it can be like to live with this sort of thing. (I've had my own secrets I've carried around for many decades.) To my knowledge there are no easy answers to it. It's simply something you're going to have to work through in one way or another, preferably with the help of a knowledgeable mental health professional.

The good thing is you're living at a time in history when professional mental health treatment is available. It may not always be perfect. But it wasn't so many years ago when there was no help of any sort. People who were struggling with the sorts of concerns you have, or the sorts I had, simply hid in the closet & did what they had to do to survive. I hope that, in some way, you can find the strength to reach out in real life for the help you need.