Last night we talked, but the night before we were shouting. When we talked, I didn't wake up off the couch and it was a real talk. The shouting, I woke up to it. Literally woke up hearing words leave my mouth that I didn't even understand. My girlfriend shouted back, "Do you even know what the **** you're saying?"

I got quiet and could barely say the word 'no'. I could really only shake my head. I could feel my body slump down and I felt so heavy. My chest wise tight and I fought myself to not let tears come up. I didn't understand what was happening really, but I did know enough to see my girlfriend's hurt eyes and clenched fists as if I really crossed the line. She woke me up from napping on the couch. Reflecting on it- the couch is a huge trigger for me to wake up on. I hadn't meant to fall asleep and after we talked last night, we worked through the trigger and I even discussed a bit of the flashback. I knew I had had one, but I didn't realize I had been in it as long as I was and how angry I got.

We talked and she wants me to know that it wasn't like I was conscious of it, but it did hurt her. It really hurt her and I feel like such a ****. I can't believe I did that. It isn't the first time, just the first time I've become conscious in that manner. I feel like I'm what I hate: Abusive. What if I am? What if I'm a son of a ***** like every one of my examples?

I want to be numb so much. I haven't given into my temptations, but christ.. I want to. So much, I want to. I'm ashamed of it. Ashamed to speak of it. I feel disgusting. Always feel disgusting.

I need to get better. I don't want to see my girlfriend like that because of me, not ever again. I can't let myself hurt her like that. Intentional or not, it isn't right for her to go through that ********.