Hey Everyone!

I have this huge fear of getting the Coronavirus!
I experience OCD since I was ten. I also experience health anxiety and emotional dsyregulation.

I live in New Zealand and we have an international population here. So the fear of this virus coming is very high. I dont know how to cope.

I avoid the gym because the fear that a person who is unwell and goes to the gym and spreads the virus.

I managed to go to supermarket but only with someone else. Because if I see people I think may be carriers I avoid them incase they have the virus. My thoughts are oh no they could have the virus and their family could have rescently came back from abroad and they don't know they have the virus because it takes about 14 days for the symptoms to come. Apparently you can still spread before the symptoms occur.

I literally ran away or speed walk away from people I thought may have the virus.

Its ruining my life because I cant even go shops a lone. I wash my hands after going to supermarket.

I struggle to sleep at night time and get songs stuck in my head. It seems to happen when I'm highly anxious I get songs stuck in my head. Or this high pitch noise in my ear and eventually the sound goes away, when In distressed.
I have even cried about it.

I try to talk to this friend who I dont see a friend now about my health anxiety and relating to virus. She judge me as rascit because of my mental health.

Which I felt so judge and rejected and deeply hurt. She refused to talk to me because of that.

I try to ring my therapist like 3 days in a row but she ignored my calls. So I had to call my partner at work more than once because I'm distressed.

I found out through my keyworker who works a long side my therapist cause my keypwroer rang back, well it was late at the day like 4:30.

Told me how my therapist thought and told me only one phone call a week with her on the week I dont see her in therapy session.

My therapist counted the phone call me speaking to my keyworker on Monday as that call. But I didnt count that. Because I was plan to call my keyworker anyway because I have to plan activities to get myself put the house due to my socail anxiety.

So I was highly distressed yet my therapist is thinking its setting boundaires and stopping the dependcey but I struggle to use the skills I have learnt.

Which is Dailet Behaviour therapy. I did for a year and a half at group therapy weekly for 2 hours.

But I dont think Dailet Behaviour therapy helps with OCD and anxiety?

I have done CBT therapy as a child at age of 10 for 2 or 3 years to when I was early 20's and when I was 25,26 for general anxiety disorder. But it seems I'm unable to get better. The therapist reckons it's the environment I live in the toxic enviroment with my mum and sister.

But I dont have income to move out, I just feel so hopeless and helpless these days I'm literally exhausted from therapy for so many years since 10 and gone through about 7 therapist one kn which made me so much worse. About 2 years ago. He was a student therapist I just had increased suicidal thoughts and self harm. My immunity was constantly down so I always got sick due to the stress. He was horrible therapist. He told me how my mother shpukdve have had kids. How I'm not doing the work. How I will never move out. Always went on how he is bad therapist to me and so the therapy would focused on him. Many other messed up things he would say to me. I have gone through a lot of therapist and never experience a therapist like this. It took a year of my current therapist to undo what that student therapist did.

Now my therapy is ending in March, due to public health system, pressures the therapist to get rid of the clients because of the waiting list. From my experience it seems ir doesnt matter if your well or unwell they just discharged you.

I believe that why the system is broken cause in my country there is huge suicide rate here.

I am seeing a councilor outside of the system but I dont know if I should fully trust her due to going through 7 therapist and also the trauma of that one student therapist.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I kinda lost hope in fully getting better. I haven't worked for 4 years due to my mental health.

I dont really have friends. Maybe one I see once a week to play with and help her baby twins.

That's it.