Quote:
Originally Posted by Job 30 26
Gfofaddict,
You're factually wrong in labeling him a "sex addict" because the that term isn't agreed upon in the DSM 5 or any previous addition of the DSM. Instead of moralizing it--before you shame him--maybe look for the root cause of it. Maybe he experiences hypomania, which means his brain chemistry is tweaked a bit with extra dopamine, or maybe his sexual behavior is a coping mechanism to deal with depression and anxiety. Maybe this has been an acitivity which has been adapted for an entire lifetime and might be a stubborn activity, that is so riddled with knots that it can't be undone, and only severed with by the help of a specialized psychologist to help him understand the naunces of his activity so he can make progress and move on.
I prefer not to deal in matters of psychology morality, but based in science. You came to psychcentral for advice, a psychology based forum, and psychology is based on science, and not an ethics forum. Public shaming is a moral decision and it makes me uncomfortable because I believe in human dignity, what i mean by dignity is our freewill, and our ability to learn and move on, even when a difficult issue is presented that takes time to understand and even more time to move on from.
The reason I suggested the book Sex at Dawn, is because it tells us how preplexing it is to exist in the times we are living. We were meant to see 3 naked sexual partners for our entire life. Technology and the internet have completely changed everything, and out evolutionary psychology of it all has created, at least to my understanding, a mess for men exposed to the technology and the interent. This book takes on the challenge and I hope it would bring a nuanced understanding of the matter.
Why i caution about public shaming is because people are commited suicide over it. Reputation is a social currency that is one of the most basic and primitive tools to function in the world, it's engrained in us, and reputation can be destroyed in minutes when we take into account the internet of things. We are social by nature, and to wreck another human beings social standard publicly, to a person i suppose you love--well the situation seems thorny. So this is why i suggest therapy, and if he wont do therapy then you could break up with him and move on. You could call the cops on him if it is illegal i suppose, but you already seem to know the legality of it all, which sounds like a dead end.
Anyway, I hope you two can fix this situation without anyone committing suicide. Have a nice day.
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With respect, Job, this is why the me too movement started in the first place. Because of the myriad of things stopping people from:
Speaking out.
Being believed.
Getting people to understand how devastating sexual harrasment can be.
Having clear and effective laws, so that when a person is harassed / stalked they will know what to do.
As I said before, I'm on the side of the victim and I always will be. The harrasser has made a decision to act the way they have. The victim has a ****storm of misery and fear coming their way, and for no reason.
I do publicly shame men who pester me.
Fear of damaging their reputation? You are clearly not living in the same world as I am. Years, I spent on trying to ignore or deal with or 'solve' the problem of two different stalkers.
NOTHING works.
If you ignore and avoid them, as I did for a long time, they keep coming further forward, encroaching on your space. Soon, you feel as though nowhere is your own. You're instinctively keeping to out of way places. You daren't raise your gaze from the ground in case you accidentally meet theirs.
And so on.
Get a male friend to tell them to back off? They will hold off for a few days or weeks, but the incident basically just excites them.
Speaking to them / asking them to leave you alone / getting upset similarly just makes the whole thing more dramatic.
Reporting them? Not even that stopped my first stalker. This was a colleague, who everybody liked. Well, the colleagues I respected didn't, thank goodness... they saw straight through his smarmy ways. He was given an official warning. I left the job because of it (by this time, I was sleeping with a knife under my pillow). Months later, I ran into him near the workplace. He lowered his voice and muttered something to me. I won't repeat it, but the phrase and the insane look in his eyes...
He was boasting, really, saying, I will follow you for the rest of your life, if I choose to, and there is nothing you can do about it.
THIS is the what sexual harrassers are really like. If you're under a different impression, then they are fooling you.
It's about power, and taking advantage of those who are physically weaker.
I watch it happen with younger acquaintances and see them going through all the confusion and failed attempts to deal with the problem that I did. Through that, I've observed that these men tend to target certain women. Quiet. Nice. Reserved. They DON'T go for women who de-romanticise / de-eroticize the situation by shouting, 'What are you staring at?'
So, thinking of these men as being 'addicted' is irrelevant. Unlike alcoholism etc, their addiction has a victim.
Im sorry to the OP for taking the thread so far off course!
I'm hoping that someone who is being sexually harassed at the moment might read this and feel less alone.