OP says that she feels inadequate and betrayed because of the boyfriend's deceit, because of his longstanding, duplicitous use of porn behind her back--for years. She says that
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I eventually shut down and quit talking to everyone because my mind is so preoccupied thinking about this stuff
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OP tried talking years ago and just ended up feeling--and being--further deceived and betrayed.
To me, now is the time for action.
In my view, action would consist of either:
--leaving the boyfriend, since what they want is inconsistent,
or, if she chooses not to leave him,
--undergoing therapy in an attempt to make boyfriend's use of porn less harmful to her.