I’ve been thinking a lot about some things my counselor said recently and I’m feeling confused. Maybe you can help me sort this out?

I’ve spent the past 13 years feeling very hurt about my daughter leaving home abruptly at age 18 and cutting off ties with me. She’s been low contact since then - occasional texts, rarely called and mostly just posted stuff on my Facebook. She did call me around her birthday and Xmas which I always felt was to make sure I would send her gifts. She’s visited about once a year and only a few times at Christmas. I used to spend a lot on gifts or gift cards for her. I used to save money in the hopes I could help her with a car or get out of debt but I never agreed with her choices. As the distance between us grew and as she seemed to be resenting more and more I kept cutting back on gifts because I didn’t feel appreciated.

My counselor pointed out that waiting for her to do what I thought was the right choice before I helped her financially might really be about control on my part and I agree with him. He’s right. I thought she needed to learn some lessons and grow up so I saved money and set it aside and waited. I’ve guilted myself extensively about not helping her. I kept waiting and she never took responsibility for her life in the way I thought she should. I worked hard in my life and I always thought she should do the same.

Here’s what I’m thinking. I think instead of focusing on my heartbreak and focusing on the relationship I wanted to have with her, I should have focused on accepting reality and just accepting whatever it was she had to offer me, even if it wasn’t how I wanted things to be. People can only give what they have to give and nothing more.

I also think I should have accepted that she made her life choices and it was ok if I didn’t agree. I also should have accepted that my ability to help her, financially or otherwise, was limited. How do you love and care for and give to a person who isn’t really in your life?

I desperately want to accept that I can’t have the relationship with my daughter that I always dreamed of and I desperately want to stop berating myself with guilt.

Am I on the right track? I feel so confused. One minute I’m at peace and the next minute I feel heartbroken and full of guilt all over again.