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Originally Posted by psyche89007
I guess I consider myself a high-functioning Borderline. I do very well mostly when I'm on my own or just with friends and I'm getting much better at setting boundaries and communicating with friends. The healthy emotional distance required/expected right off the bat with friendship also makes that easier. I am better than before at resolving conflicts at work and coping with daily stressors.
But I feel like my 'crazy' comes out when I take a lover or date. I get involved emotionally WAY too fast and I have no idea how to draw boundaries. I hate that the intimacy I crave so intensely is also what destroys my sanity, consumes me, sometimes keeps me up at night wondering if I'm enough and if this relationship will drag me down to the depths of hell or 'reinvent' me into a better person which is also a crock of sh/t but god, that's what I want.
The issues go on and on: Trying think for the other person/play detective, expecting the worst, paranoia about their loyalty, et cetera. My behaviors make me feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed of myself. The fear of being vulnerable and sharing things about myself, or my body, and then being betrayed or ignored and so on makes me unhappy and always on edge.
And the terror of potential rejection or breaking up is always on the back of my mind ... the inability to see what's ahead, constantly trying to spot 'danger' or warning signs, just leads to more inner turmoil. It is SO exhausting. I wish I knew how to be NORMAL in a relationship!!!!
Anyone else relate?
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TOTALLY. When young, I realized that the moment I even thought about taking a one on one intimate relationship seriously, I began to unravel and act like a crazy person. Over the years, I realized this came right out of my childhood which made me unable to trust my own judgement, and, more upsetting, a realization I couldn't tell what was me and what was the 'other.
What I suggest is something I did not do and that is to talk with a trusted friend about it to get an 'outside' view (when I did this, rarely, it really helped, I wish I had done it much more often---just rarely occurred to me in the midst of turmoil (thinking I was too crazy and everyone would say so...
(not). If a woman, talk to other women. It often turns out you do have a legitimate concern that is not being responded to in a helpful manner, you sense the unsaid and....(I think some of us become exquisitely sensitive to things unspoken)…((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))