So, I'm awake at 6am feeling compelled to write this NOW. Am I a bit hypo? I dunno, but maybe I was at the time this memory takes place. So yes, out of the blue this memory pops into my head.

Ok, so I was going with my girl friend to a bar and this was BM (before marriage). Well at said bar, we meet up with two guys that I had known since I was like 8 or 9 and I had actually crushed on both of them. Well, one had gotten chubby but was still cute and the other was still good looking as ever. My friend had taken a shine to the good looking one. Well, good looking one recalls a note I wrote him back in junior high about liking him. He was clearly flattered and was expressing interest in me. Maybe I expressed it back to at this point. Anyway, I told him I was surprised he got that/remembered that" but then again, I suppose we never really had the chance to talk since then. Anyway, other guy was clearly interested in me too and I probably did admit that I used to crush on him, or both of them. All the same, I would've preferred going home with good looking guy, but i remembered my friends interest and then he said something about me that I took as rude even though I think he was just trying to be flirty. Anyway, it was my excuse to have him take my friend home and the other guy take me. Well, good looking guy seemed disappointed, but there you have it. I had crushed on them both once, so this was only fair, right? Well, my friend got nothing out of it, unfortunately (?) and me and my guy had our night and then ended up dating for a few weeks (?) It was probably in part to help me get at my dad because he never really liked the guy...surprisingly he was acceptive though. Anyway,

So, question is, WWYD?

This isn't to illustrate what a good friend I was (or maybe it is), but I did still do a bad thing against her. I ended up later sleeping with one of her crushes. Of course I didn't tell her though. And I thought there was another, but that turns out to be another friends ex (her baby daddy). I didn't think she was the best of friends though and I was hypersexual and kinda into this guy at the time (well, both of them), but I still never told her either. Maybe I kept these a secret too because I didn't want to be called a slut or something...

Gah! I'll probably regret this post in the morning, but part of me is just wondering if this was part of a bigger issue that I may have had bipolar or bpd since then... and I wanna go on record that, not only marriage, but my husband has influenced me to change. I am not that same person anymore (although I get thoughts from time to time, but). But yeah, when my husband finally did get an idea of my past, he about threw up. Poor thing. So, I feel guilty now, but still wonder if my need for sex with every hot guy I know (well, not every, but suppose that was the goal) had to do with my mental illness. I mean, surely I got confidence out of it, but it wasn't like they all were true meaningful or especially even honest relationships. Sigh! Well, here goes!