I recently learned that term, “individuate”. I am sure this is also what my son was driven by, thinking he needed to make a statement of his own identity. In my day, we used to call it “finding yourself”. Young adults used to go traveling around the world with a backpack to find themselves. The term individuate, implies they are tied too closely to their parents identity and don’t have a clue who they are. It’s actually a normal phase of young adult development. My theory is it is getting blown out of control right now, and children are blaming parents for their own unsure identities. I sure hope they find themselves and return to loving us parents.

I wasn’t much of a hover parent, either. I encouraged all my kids to be themselves, but to also be as good and successful as they can. I taught them there’s a time to work and a time to play. All work makes for a dull boy, the expression goes.

Yet my son blamed us for ‘not really listening to him’, too. We did listen. We were really kind and supportive. He is only saying this years later, which is justification for his bad treatment of us, IMHO.

You may want to very gently point out to your daughter you encourage her to be herself and will love her for whoever she is.

I always told mine I love them no matter what, but if they were doing something I found intolerable or harmful to them, I would not enable it. But, I knew I couldn’t stop them as they are adults, so no choice but to accept...but not support and enable. That’s why mine is mad.