@I hate myself

Of course I can't tell you whether or not what you're struggling with is OCD. That's a determination that has to be made by a mental health professional, which I am not. But what I do feel comfortable saying is you're not a freak.

You know... I've had issues in my life that caused me to feel like a freak literally for decades. (When I was young no one ever talked about such things & there was no internet.) It's only been within the last dozen years or so that I've come to realize not only was I not a freak but there are literally hundreds, probably many thousands, of others who've struggled with exactly the same concerns I've had. It didn't change anything for me. But at least now I know I'm not alone. And that knowledge, in-&-of-itself, has been a comfort.

You're not alone either. I feel confident in saying there are many others who are waging the same battle you are. You may or may not ever find them. Perhaps you wouldn't even want to. But they're out there. Trust me on that one. You're not a freak. You just need to find professional mental health treatment to resolve whatever is causing you to keep having the disturbing thoughts you're struggling with... just like so many of the rest of us.