Saturday's Session with Regular T: It went pretty well. It wasn't my scheduled day or time but I got a slot because I asked if she had an opening since I had just gotten out of the hospital and she had three, so it wasn't like I was taking someone else's slot that needed it more than me. She was like, so....hospitalized. How was that? I told her about it. I told her about the rude ER doctor. I told her how I wasn't suicidal but no one believed me. She asked me if this is the worst SH that I have ever done and I said yes. Trigger for SH.
She audibly gasped and was like, hold on I need a moment to get over that one. She had me contract with her that I wouldn't SH this week until I see her next. And she was like remember, you can't see me if you are in the hospital. Um. Doh. No kidding. I have no immediate plans to go back to the hospital. In fact if I ever do something like this again, I probably just won't go to the hospital and the SH can just heal however. It was not worth it. Not for that treatment.
She said she knows I have a lot of pressure on me right now to not SH and that is actually making it worse. So instead of stopping SH we are just going to pause SH for a little while. I was okay with that. I know it is just wording. But, wording matters. Right now I am okay with pausing. We talked about what triggered me, how I was feeling, I couldn't get beyond, or more in depth than, depressed. She was like, you are so dissociated from your feelings. I was like how do you get un-dissociated? She was like, it's hard. You're going to have to feel things. She asked me what I could have done differently. I said I could have called someone. She was like could you have gone to your friend X and stayed at their house for a while. And I was like, yes. And she was like, but you didn't. Obviously not. So we talked about how I need to listen to those warning bells and notice when I start to slide into really not well territory. She says I'm fine and then all the sudden I'm not fine and there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason, it just happens. This is a remark she has made before. So if I can try to start to recognize when I am sliding, we can hopefully interrupt it. Regular T seemed to think I was having some buried passive suicidal thinking/feelings. IDK. She says with me sometimes she feels like banging her head against the wall. She asked me if I would see her in one week and I said yes.
Pastor T last night: This went pretty well I think. I didn't want to talk a lot about the SH because I'm under contract and I didn't want to get triggered. We talked about the hospital. He asked if it was scary. I said it was at times. We talked about the ER and how the ER doctor was so mean to me. He said I could have asked for another doctor, or a patient advocate. I didn't know that. I guess good to know for the future if I am ever in this position again. He said the ER doctor was doing his job though. That even though I was saying I wasn't suicidal, my actions were showing otherwise. I guess that sort of backs up what Regular T said about the buried passive suicidality.
We talked about the homework assignments from two weeks ago. I was able to complete them. He gave me four more homework assignments. I've done one this morning and started another one. They are mostly religious in nature so I am not really going to talk about them here. One that isn't religious is to talk to one of my support people on the phone. Not texting. Ugh. I hate talking on the phone.
Pastor T said I'm stubborn. That I'm smart but that I am stubborn as the day is long. He's not the first person to tell me that. He asked me if I really wanted to get well. That sort of annoyed me because of course I want to get well. He said it is within my power to do so. I don't know about that. I can't control the depression (I can treat it, I can try to alleviate it, but I don't control it), or the anxiety, or the hallucinations. He said I could learn to manage the hallucinations (I don't know about that either) but then he changed from manage to another word but I can't remember that. And of course with SH, he was like, you could just not do it. He makes it sound simple, but it's not that simple. That was frustrating and annoying right there. I do want to get well, I want to get better. But I also need to be able to deal with all these emotions and I haven't been able to yet. I told him I wished I were a robot. I'll see him next week.
Comment okay,
Kit