Hey Darkfeelings, I still think you did the best you could in the moment. Truly, we all have times in our lives when we look back at something and think "if only I had done this instead of that." We are all doing the best we can while also wanting to do better. Again, I am sorry you had that experience. It sounds rattling and really, like you are beating yourself up. It is natural for us, all of us, actually, to go into non-compassion mode toward ourselves when something really upsetting happens that we didn't expect. But we can counter act this by being compassionate and kind to ourselves. Really, that means, how would you talk to a good friend if it happened to them? And what do you want to hear? Is there some kind of advice or support that you need to hear that you aren't getting from others or from yourself? What do you need to hear? It's probably true, whatever positive / supportive thing that may be.


Also I want to acknowledge that it appears to me that you are trying to make this right for yourself (to feel better), and you are asking good questions in my opinion. I personally may not have all the answers, but you have my support as much as an online forum support can give.