finally got out of the house for mailing bills and getting stuff
was feeling really unsafe and was weighing the options of going into my dr's (fam dr) and tell them how bad things are right now. but didn't have the courage (and felt i would not be welcome to do that as a walk in).
finally pulled off the road at a mini park so i could draw or paint and noticed how numb the body was - knew cutting was close.
called a crisis line. we talked for 15 minutes i guess... she said to have a plan "1st i'll do this (walk or whatever) then do this (draw) then do .... then check in with myself. then start over with the first one."
wanted me to call when i got home but i told her i'm avoiding home right now. so we talked about that.
i did paint when i got off the phone - i keep supplies in the car. and then got a movie for tonight (that is a requirement for class). oh the gal asked me to call t and leave a message about having called the crisis line and 'where i'm at". which i did - and started crying in the message.
This bites because all these emotions are just starting to come up (after 7 months) and t's leaving on vacation soon.

got home and mom said our electric bill is over $400 because she hasn't been paying it (and i've been out of work so i couldn't even pay rent) so we are now not allowed to turn on the heat. =( but i notice she's had the tv on all day long. i got another call about finances right after that news.... feeling really unstable and like the world is just collapsing.