Two roads diverge in a wood, and I, I took--

The one that I don't even know how the hell I got on but I'm here and can't handle it.

I'm woshing for release. I'm craving substance. Really, I'm craving anything that might make me numb because I can't keep handling feeling like this. Coping is all I do and it doesn't manage to matter because "there's always a bigger fish" just coming in to destroy any progress I make. I was doing good, until I wasn't- just like any other time I've made progress.

For the sake of offering insight, I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD, Bipolar w/psychosis, DID, GAD and have OCD traits. A couple of these change up a little but it's all basically the same with each new doctor. At the present moment, I can't quit the obsessions involving more heinous acts (suicidal, homical and self-harm) that might just be an outreach for some kind of control over something. At present, my PTSD is in glorious full swing, might knock it out of the stadium with this round. Hallucinations have told me that I want to die, and they still haven't stopped. Ultimately, I feel so ****ing low. So low I almost wish this all could end. Hell, I do wish for it, but I can't think of that final decision. I can't allow myself, I'll spiral further. Panicking has been the most obvious symptom of my morning thus far and I hate that it has been.

Normally I can cover it up, hide it away or something but this wasn't a time like that. My gf left this morning with frozen anxiety and stress written all over her face. I hate that I do this to her. I've been told I shouldn't blame myself by her and multiple other people, but shouldn't I? I should have this **** locked down and treated. I should have my **** together, that'd be a start considering I'm only making life harder on everyone else. No one should be picking up my slack, that's my weight no one should have to carry. So why are they? I can't figure that out. I know so many coping techniques, SO MANY. And they aren't always working, they just don't hold up to my symptoms some days, others I manage. I need some serious ****ing help. Coping can't contain the nightmares I see in my sleep and when I'm completely awake.

At this point I'm rambling and ranting. I'll leave it here. Thanks for reading if you made it through this trainwreck.