For years I've been downplaying and rationalising my traumatic experiences, and defended and excused those who abused me. And as a result I've felt contempt for my reactions to it all, thinking I had no right to be depressed or to have anxiety. But lately, my therapist have been claiming that I'm still doing it, and that that's what (or one of the things) that makes it so hard to work on my depression and anxiety. In the last couple of weeks I've been alternating between believing she's right, believing she's maybe a little bit right, and thinking it's totally ridiculous. Some days I just really cannot understand how the things I've experienced could traumatize me that much. Or at all. What it was about those experiences made them so traumatic.

But at the same time, one of the reasons I find it so hard to talk about my past, is because I'm scared that the person I'm talking to will think it wasn't that bad. Because that would make me feel stupid and ashamed, I guess.

But what is going on with me?? Why am I feeling like this?? Is it possible to repress something so completely that you can't see why you were traumatized? Or does it have to do with dissociation? How bad must something be for you to dissociate? What does it take? Even on my "best" days I don't understand that I might have dissociated in those situations. I was never subjected to something very painful, and I was never scared that I might die.. I think. I am quite sure.

Some times I feel like my experiences sound much worse when I say it aloud, than when I'm thinking about it or writing about it. Then I often feel like I'm lying somehow, or exaggerating. Other times it seems so mundane that I feel ridiculous going to therapy. I'm so confused.

Does anyone relate somewhat to this?