recovery recovery recovery.......
its so many steps

but everytime i take one step forwards, it gives me that tiny glint of motivation to keep going with it

because having an eating disorder is not fun, the secret is knowing what the hell to do with yourself without it.

this might sound really stupid but i'd really like to post it because i feel really proud of myself and its something i rarely feel let alone admit to!

ok so i went to my ed recovery group this evening and it actually involved some laughing which was very refreshing.. picked up my ex boyfriend who i live with up and we drove home.

i had been restricting food today and knew that it was silly and would just lead into another binge purge cycle so we stopped off at tesco and i got some 'safe' foods. got home and started eating a carrot and some cottage cheese, my ex came in and was like "ooh whats this", picked it up was looking at calories/fat etc on the packet and reading it out and saying how healthy it was, he picked up my fork and was about to try some and i threw my carrot accross the kitchen and went to bed. (not proud of this bit!)
and what a surprise i cant sleep, thoughts racing and im hungry!
2 hours later i go back downstairs, find that the carrot landed on the worksurface, re peel it (!) and ate it with some cottage cheese. then apologised to my ex- fortunately he was understanding as this has happened so often before (not with the flying carrot though!)

ok its not much of a thing to be proud of but its a step in the right direction

most of the time, i really want to recover and its times like these that affirm positive thoughts and that dont let the eating disorder run away with me.

its so god damn hard dealing with food and without food and im just so glad this forum is open for people to spew out all thoughts and stuff and i just wanted to share this one with whoever is reading and hope it doesnt sound pompous or silly or anything

hope youre all ok