Your wife is trying to become "sober" and it's VERY hard to not only not drink/use but to stay sober and deal with life challenges and living your life sober.

You have mentioned that you ARE still using/drinking and are a functioning alcoholic. Therefore, you will not be able to understand what your wife is going through. Not until you bite the bullet and commit to living your own life sober. You live life using the crutch of alcohol, you say you are a "functioning" alcoholic, but as time goes on this disease you have WILL get worse. She is trying to not use that crutch, it's VERY challenging and this other guy somehow probably helped her. This is NOT anything you can provide for her as long as you are still using/drinking.

You COULD go to some AA meetings and learn more. You do need to understand and respect these people that WANT to learn how to live their lives sober. You would be surprised how many individuals from all walks of life are going to these meetings and TRYING to learn and maintain a sober lifestyle. Some couples do this together however, they tend to also go to men's and women's meetings and find a same sex sponser to help them.

Actually, many alcoholics engage in drinking/using to escape trauma and ptsd they don't even know they are struggling with. For those individuals, it's even more challenging.