So... Hi again, I guess I'm not over my problems yet.
I feel like I'm trash
The thing is I don't even know how to distinguish between reality or thoughts and I'm getting anxious over things, feeling like **** for getting anxious.
I think I abused (or was it harassment) someone, or maybe is just some obsessive thought of mine at this point I cannot tell. The full story: it happened two times on the same day. I was sitting on my desk during class and because the desks are really close, when a boy passed between my desk I moved my hands as if i tried to touch him, if I'm being honest my mind thought of it, of touching him and I tend to panick when that happens but this time I decided not to care, not to get anxious. I moved my hands because I was talking to a friend next to me and complaining about an exercise and when I talk I move my hands. but I knew he was there, I knew he was about to go between me and that I shouldn't have moved my hands. If I didn't touch him maybe he saw I had that intention. Second thing, it was similar, I was sitting this time in front of my friend and we were studying, the same boy passed next to me, I knew he was there but I still moved my hand, I thought to myself "you didn't touch him, maybe you think you did but you surely didn't" but I panicked again, I had the intention, I thought about doing it and he was going to pass next to me so how could that have been an accident? Moving my hand was on purpose I know it, if I touched him it wouldn't have been an accident. And my final confession is, that I sometimes watch people's parts, and don't know why my eyes just tend to focus there, I feel like I'm sick for doing that, people tell me all I do is obsess about non sense things, that is just my mind what makes me think that I touch people but with the last two experiences I'm not sure. The worst thing is I used to like a boy in my class and I thought it was normal to watch a person you like constantly, but I never thought it could be considered as some form of harassment,I used to look at him a lot, then I stopped liking him but still looked at him. I'm a horrible person. But I need to say this, get it out of my chest and kinda confirm that I'm what I think I am.