Earlier this week I stupidly smoked and my lungs had a bad reaction. It hurts to breathe and for two days I felt like I was struggling to breathe which only increased my anxiety. I became overwhelmed and as I had SI my T suggested hospital to rest and calm down. This I declined as I am safe and can rest at home. My Mum is kindly making me frozen dinners so I can rest more. I saw my GP about my lungs and have had tests done. I get the results today. My oxygen levels were ok so it just felt like I wasn't getting enough air. I think my lungs are fine. I smoked as I got to that 'I don't give a f*** anymore' stage after being so frustrated about my physical health. Apart from that I have been very vigilant with my health. I won't be smoking again.

The last few days I have been resting and getting the tests done. I am so bored. This morning I feel tired even though I slept well and have had coffee. I am back at university in 2.5 weeks. If my physical health prevents me from doing that I will be flooded with despair. I am so over this. My mood has dropped and I am irritable also. I am hoping that is situational. I cannot have another Bipolar episode now. It has been almost twelve months since my last one and the break has helped immensely. Overall I am overwhelmed by life right now, or by the lack of ability to engage with it. I am trying to be zen about it all. This does help. It is just a bad week.