My drinking was bad in my 20s and I calmed it down to social/holiday events. During that time I'd go full tilt, I am not an obnoxious or rude drunk. Happy go lucky but a bit of the lack of filter when I spoke my mind.
From 2010 to 2012 I drank when stress/depression/fights with spouse would happen. I'd down a 40 oz and call it good. Then when issues would happen with wife drinking and disappearing to bars/clubs until 4am and sometimes not until 10am the next day I went to whiskey. From 2015 my wife battled seizures and addictions to medicines she was using to manage her condition.

I had used so much FMLA that I wasn't pulling the money in and our finances were falling short. We went homeless in 2017 and was living in between motels and my parents house for almost a year. I wasn't drinking constantly but my coping mechanisms were no better than someone who did. My wife started drinking more to cope with stress and finances. Her habit went from drinking to let off steam became drinking just to cope at home. Last year she lost her mom and sister to cancer they died 5 months apart. During that time her drinking skyrocketed and in order to cope & not make her feel not alone (I know this wasn't smart or right) I started drinking as much as she did. Everyone knows this...and deep down inside I knew it but I didn't want her to feel so alone...this was neither smart or good for us or our marriage.

She finally made the choice in October to get in to rehab for a second time. The first time was when her mother had passed. The first time she went to rehab I fully supported her and I didn't question or get paranoid. We would fight but it wasn't over paranoia. During this time I was not drinking at all. So I really can say yes, I understand completely what everyone is trying to convey because of my alcoholism. However, my heavy drinking was a coping mechanism for the paranoia that had been building steam since a month after her stay at the new rehab facility. I understand that is no justification, I'm just telling you how I reacted to it.

For me right now, I'm trying to slowly absorb what everyone has been sharing...I'm trying to take it with as much humility regardless of how my mindset was/is when I first started talking to you all. I went to my second NA meeting tonight, originally I wasn't going to speak but something happened to me at work and I took it for what I felt it was. I had to be taken out by ambulance because during the afternoon after I ate something happened to me physically. I wasn't doing anything physically demanding. I went numb from the waist up to my neck, shoulders and arms went numb. I didn't have slurred speach, eyesight was fine, no problem with balance. At first I thought it was anxiety or panic attack so I sat down.

My condition was not changing so I went down to our processing office. I activated our plant's emergency response team and told them what was going on, the irony is I am the lead for our plant's ERT. So it was really awkward. I had good oxygen saturation, normal respiration. Bp elevated 175/117 with bpm in the 120s. EMS was activated and I got hooked up to EKG before they transported me to hospital. The doctor after I arrived and did another EKG told me later they thought I was having a stroke. I told him it didn't feel like one. EKG came good, doctor said he believed me to have paresthesia as a result of stress, alcoholism, and most likely alcohol withdrawal. I was still going through the shakes and he could see it in my hands when he was doing stroke test.

With that, as I said, took it as my time in NA not to just sit and be quiet but to actually speak out. I did. I am starting the process my wife started. I told them I've had my job for 20 years and if I can pull that off. Then I believe with my heart that I can and will succeed in stopping my alcoholism. Thank you again everyone, I am listening and I am trying to absorb what you have been telling me. I finally realized that when I started giving her space...that you are right...and I used to say it too when I was on the smooth side of the alley...whining won't and hasn't gotten me anywhere but deeper in the bottle. I am going to give her the space. And I'm sorry...I can't say it enough...everyone here and to the friends I'll make in NA...are who I will have to thank in the end.